Dear baby M

Dear baby M,

A week ago we buried your uncle and while everyone was saying a prayer for him, I was secretly praying for you. I knew by then that we had lost you and that I was never going to meet you. I was grieving for your uncle and for you both at the same time.  I’m honestly not sure if most of my tears were for your uncle or if they were for you. I think they were for you.

I’m so sad to know that I will never get to meet you. That I will never get to hold you and watch you as you turn from a baby to a chubby toddler (because I know, any child of mine would be chubby), to a child going to school for their first day, to see you with your first love, to get married, to having babies of your own. To know that your life was over before it ever even began. It makes me so very sad that it was my fault that you didn’t get to be born, that my body just couldn’t hold you properly. I’m so sorry for that.

And even though you never got to be born, I want you to know that I love you so very much and you will always be in a special spot in my heart forever, that even if your daddy and I have more children, you will always be my first baby and always in my heart. I love you and I miss you and I’m sorry.

Love from your mummy.

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