Still not sure what’s going on

Thursday night we went back to the doctor after having my bHCG levels tested again that morning. I went in with The Man and I think we were both expecting (and maybe I was secretly hoping…) that we would be told my levels were finally dropping and that this whole saga would soon be over and we could move on to the next chapter in having a baby. Not to make light of this, because it is anything but. But my heart and body can’t take much more of the to-ing and fro-ing.

So in we went, we both know the route through the surgery to the docs office by heart now, we have been down it so many times in the last three weeks. We sat down with Dr Sweet&Calm, waiting for her to say that yes, the levels have gone down and the ultrasound was correct. Is that what she said though? Of course not.

So, your levels have gone up she says to me, with her sweet and calm voice and that sympathetic half smile on her face. They haven’t doubled, but they are still rising, so at this stage, we can’t say that you’ve had or are experiencing a miscarriage. In all honesty, we don’t really know what your body is doing, she says to us.

For what felt like five minutes (but in reality was probably only about 30 seconds) I just stared at her. I didn’t cry. I didn’t smile. I didn’t do anything except stare at her.

This nightmare still wasn’t over. Don’t get me wrong, I really don’t want to lose our baby, I want to be able to give birth to her/him and hold them in my arms and watch this baby grow into a child and adult. But I believe in my heart that this pregnancy is over, but my body just keeps throwing these curve balls at us.

Our ultrasound showed nothing in my uterus. Does that mean that it wasn’t there, that it was too early or what? I needed the closure of lowering bHCG levels last Thursday to back up the empty uterus. To make my head and heart and body all catch up to each other and realise that our baby is gone. To wipe out the hope that was still lingering, that maybe I could be one of those miracle cases. But with the rising bHCG levels it’s just put me back and we still don’t really know what’s going on.

We had opted to delay having more blood tests or ultrasounds as we had to travel for the funeral this week, but after the Easter long weekend and having more substantial bleeding with some clots and cramping, we are having yet more bloods today, and hopefully this time we will have a definite answer as to what is going on. I honestly don’t know how much more of this lingering I can cope with.

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Yes then no, then yes then no

The last four weeks have been a roller coaster ride for The Man and I. Turns out that the pink line I saw on that pregnancy test was actually a positive line. As confirmed by the other three tests that I took the following Thursday.

That should have been the start of the good news and the happy blogging and the buying up of fantastic baby clothes and hunting around websites to get nursery decoration ideas. Did that happen?

In a nutshell. No.

The happiness lasted for all of about a week. The thing is, when you take a pregnancy test and you see that super faint pink line that you can hardly even see, that usually means that you’re only barely there pregnant. But when your periods haven’t regulated themselves after coming off the pill and you go to the doctor to get a confirmation blood test, when the results come back they are naturally going to date you from your last period. Well for me that would have put me at 4 weeks pregnant. So that, of course, set the doctors mind to worrying, because my HCG levels did not come back to represent the levels of a 4 week pregnant lady. No indeed. So they insisted I come back and have more blood tests just to make sure my levels were all rising normally.

Yay for us. They were.

So for about a whole week, I was floating around, walking on clouds, feeling like the only woman in the world who had ever managed to conceive a child. I dreamed about babies and the future and what our child would look like.

Then came the bleeding. ┬áThen came more doctors visits. I went in to have my HCG levels checked and they hadn’t risen as much as they thought they should – and they were still calculating me at being about 7 weeks pregnant, so they sent me in for an ultrasound. Of course, the technician couldn’t see anything, so the doctor confirmed the worst for us – we hadn’t had a viable pregnancy and we’d lost it. Although, they couldn’t (or wouldn’t) say it in those words. Just said over and over again that it didn’t look good for us at all, and come back in 72 hours so we could have more blood tests done and have the HCG levels checked to make sure that they were going down as they should be.

Of course, that was because they thought I was 7 weeks along. So when I went back for my 72 hour check, they called us into the doctors surgery and we were faced with two doctors. I feared the worst – I was pretty sure that we were finally going to get the confirmation we’d been waiting for. That I could put this all behind us and look to the future. Did that happen?

No, of course not.

The doctor looked at me, told me I was a conundrum and told me that we were still very much pregnant, but obviously, we weren’t 7 weeks along as they first though, but probably closer to four weeks. We were scheduled in for more blood tests in a week and another ultrasound, because they thought by then we should be able to see something floating around in that great fluid filled uterus of mine. The bleeding/spotting stopped and for four whole days I was in that happy cloud again – just a bit more apprehensive than I had been before. Until I started bleeding again. And until we had our ultrasound yesterday.

The technician couldn’t see anything. Nothing at all. He made a call to my doctor, she confirmed that my HCG levels hadn’t doubled like they should have. The technician went on to tell us that it wasn’t a viable pregnancy. By now, he should have been able to see even a tiny sac, but there was nothing for him to see. I went home, I cried, we grieved together and we accepted the fact that our little baby was gone.

So today we head off to the doctor to get the official report. She’s pissed at the technician for telling us what he did. She goes on to say that just because my levels hadn’t doubled, didn’t mean the pregnancy was over. Just that perhaps it was still too early to see anything, that now we have to wait a further week for yet more blood tests just to confirm that my HCG levels are dropping (or increasing, as she is still hopeful for).

But deep in my heart, I know we have lost our baby. My spotting isn’t just spotting. It’s bleeding now. There have been cramps. I know it’s over, but still I have this wee little teeny tiny hope in my heart that maybe my body is just fucked up and this is how it responds to pregnancy and my little baby is still deep in that happy little place of his/hers snuggling away and looking forward to meeting us in the future.

But I know it’s a futile hope.

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The thin pink line

So I couldn’t help myself this morning.

I did a pregnancy test.

Am I pregnant you ask? Well, I’m actually not sure.

There, right in front of me sat my test and there was that dark pink control line glaring at me, but there to the left of it, was a very tiny, very thin, very faint pink line.

So I’m no more sure than I was yesterday. Even more unsure if truth be told. I’ve been reading up about pregnancy tests all day and so far everything I have read says that even if there is a thin, faint, barely there pink line, that means you’re pregnant. I’d like to believe it, I really would, but I don’t. I can’t let myself believe it.

So I’ll just pretend I didn’t take it and go to Adelaide tomorrow for my meeting, come back on Wednesday night and on Thursday morning, if I haven’t had my period by then, I will do another one and hopefully that one will be more conclusive!

Oh the pain of waiting.

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Waiting for things to sort themselves out

I’ve been on the pill for many years now (before I came off it late last year that is). Before I was on the pill I never really had that much of a “regular” cycle. Or at least I don’t think so. To be honest I don’t really remember. When I was a lot younger, I do remember having my period for about 4 months straight, and then I didn’t have anything for about 6 months. I’m pretty sure that never happened again, but I never really spent a lot of time charting when I got my period. It just sort of popped up, I dealt with it, it went away and then it happened all over again. But back then, I wasn’t in a serious relationship (hell I wasn’t in any relationship), I wasn’t trying to get pregnant, I wasn’t avoiding getting pregnant. I was just existing. So the furthest thing from my mind, was charting when I did and did not get my period, how many days long my cycles were or any of that other palaver.

Now that I’m off the pill though and trying to get pregnant, I really wish I had paid more attention back then, all those years ago. So that I’d have a rough idea of what my cycle was like before I went on the pill and gave myself over to a synthetic, drug based cycle, that I could calculate just by looking at the little packet on my bathroom counter. Because now, I have no idea and it’s driving me crazy!

Admittedly I haven’t been off the pill all that long, and I know that it can take a while for your body to sort itself out again. I’m okay with that. I’m okay with having to wait a few months to get pregnant (okay, that was a lie, I’d really like it to happen – like now!), but I’d really like to have some idea of when I could expect that dreaded time of the month to come around. Currently, I’m sitting at day 38 of my cycle. My doctor has ordered some progestorone blood tests to be taken at days 22 and 26 of my next cycle, but I can’t book in for those yet – because I don’t even know when day 1 is going to be!

I’d love to think that I’m pregnant and that’s why I’m so many days into a cycle, but I did a pregnancy test last Monday, it was negative – and to top it off, I don’t really have any symptoms, so I’m going out on a limb here and say that my body is just being a twat. My body and I are not the best of friends right now. Does it not know that I have plans. That I would like to start taking my temperature every day so that I can work out when I’m ovulating, so that I can plan to put a little intruder into my body just to really play with it? Making me wait this long, is really just nasty and I’m not impressed.

So on one hand, I’m hoping that I don’t get my period and that I might get a positive test if I did one again, but on the other hand, I’m praying that I get a period soon and that my cycle starts to even itself out again. I don’t mind if it’s a 28 day cycle, I don’t mind if it’s a 30 day cycle – and I really don’t mind if it’s a 35 day cycle (hellooooo less periods in a year!), but I would just like some consistency – and soon.

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