And so it ends

So my first experience with pregnancy ends in a miscarriage. How fucked up is my body? It just can’t do anything right!

Blood tests yesterday confirmed that my bHCG levels are still going up. Ultrasound revealed that there is absolutely nothing in my uterus. No baby, no heartbeat, not even a sac. The ultrasound also couldn’t find a sac anywhere else in the region, but because they can’t find it in my uterus they are classing me as ectopic. I don’t really care what they are classing it as. The end result is the same. I lost our baby.

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How much is one person supposed to bear?

On Monday one of my close family members was killed in a car accident. My whole family is devastated by this loss. I’m too raw to write about it at this time, except to say that I miss them so much already and keep wishing I could go back in time and change this.

Tomorrow we find out once and for all if we’ve lost this little baby of ours. I honestly don’t know how I am going to cope with more loss, I’m teetering on the edge as it is.

If there is a God, which at this particular point in time I’m really starting to wonder about, please, please don’t let me lose this baby.

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