Waiting for things to sort themselves out

I’ve been on the pill for many years now (before I came off it late last year that is). Before I was on the pill I never really had that much of a “regular” cycle. Or at least I don’t think so. To be honest I don’t really remember. When I was a lot younger, I do remember having my period for about 4 months straight, and then I didn’t have anything for about 6 months. I’m pretty sure that never happened again, but I never really spent a lot of time charting when I got my period. It just sort of popped up, I dealt with it, it went away and then it happened all over again. But back then, I wasn’t in a serious relationship (hell I wasn’t in any relationship), I wasn’t trying to get pregnant, I wasn’t avoiding getting pregnant. I was just existing. So the furthest thing from my mind, was charting when I did and did not get my period, how many days long my cycles were or any of that other palaver.

Now that I’m off the pill though and trying to get pregnant, I really wish I had paid more attention back then, all those years ago. So that I’d have a rough idea of what my cycle was like before I went on the pill and gave myself over to a synthetic, drug based cycle, that I could calculate just by looking at the little packet on my bathroom counter. Because now, I have no idea and it’s driving me crazy!

Admittedly I haven’t been off the pill all that long, and I know that it can take a while for your body to sort itself out again. I’m okay with that. I’m okay with having to wait a few months to get pregnant (okay, that was a lie, I’d really like it to happen – like now!), but I’d really like to have some idea of when I could expect that dreaded time of the month to come around. Currently, I’m sitting at day 38 of my cycle. My doctor has ordered some progestorone blood tests to be taken at days 22 and 26 of my next cycle, but I can’t book in for those yet – because I don’t even know when day 1 is going to be!

I’d love to think that I’m pregnant and that’s why I’m so many days into a cycle, but I did a pregnancy test last Monday, it was negative – and to top it off, I don’t really have any symptoms, so I’m going out on a limb here and say that my body is just being a twat. My body and I are not the best of friends right now. Does it not know that I have plans. That I would like to start taking my temperature every day so that I can work out when I’m ovulating, so that I can plan to put a little intruder into my body just to really play with it? Making me wait this long, is really just nasty and I’m not impressed.

So on one hand, I’m hoping that I don’t get my period and that I might get a positive test if I did one again, but on the other hand, I’m praying that I get a period soon and that my cycle starts to even itself out again. I don’t mind if it’s a 28 day cycle, I don’t mind if it’s a 30 day cycle – and I really don’t mind if it’s a 35 day cycle (hellooooo less periods in a year!), but I would just like some consistency – and soon.

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The beginning of the trying

Yesterday I turned 37.

Yesterday I had to revise what I’ve been saying all my life – “If I don’t have kids by the time I’m 35 36, then I won’t ever have kids”. Yes that’s right. Years ago I said that I would never have kids after I turned 35, because I didn’t want to be an old mother. So, when I turned 35 I had to revise that to 36. Then last year I turned 36 and The Man and I still weren’t trying for a baby, so I had to revise what I’d always said, and change that to if I haven’t had kids by the time I’m 37 I won’t ever have kids. This year, I’ve revised it to “if I haven’t had kids by the time I’m 40, then I will just need to suck it up and realise that maybe being a mother was never my destiny”. Then I sat down and cried. On my birthday.

Welcome to my world. The world of Louise and my deep desire to have a wee little bundle of joy – of the MY variety, not the adopted niece/nephew variety.

The Man and I have been together for 4 1/2 years now. It is one of these relationships where you just know, right from the beginning that this is the person you’ve been looking for your entire life. You know, as corny as it sounds, your soulmate. You know that kind of relationship. Right from the beginning I let The Man know that I wanted kids in the future. I wasn’t desperate to have them at that point, but I knew I would want them in the pretty near future. The Man has a beautiful daughter who I love and adore who is now the ripe old age of 16. I love her to bits, but at the back of my mind is the knowledge that she has a mother, and she’s not mine and I didn’t get to have those baby years with her. I can and always will be there for her as a friend, stepmother, anything she needs. But she doesn’t fill that need in me to have a child of my own.

So then started the negotiating. “Let’s have kids now”, I said. “Let’s buy a house first”, said The Man. “But we can always buy a house down the track”, says I. “But we won’t be able to borrow as much with two dependents”. And so on and so forth.

Backtrack a couple of months now and we are lying in bed late at night and I’ve completely flipped out over something very minor and turned it into a full blown argument. For the last six months or so, I’d seen my birthday looming ahead of me and I was getting more and more freaked out about never having a baby. So I just put my foot down (or rather, I put my whole body down flat on the bed) and said that’s it – “my pill prescription has run out and you know what? Yeah, I’m NOT going to get it refilled. That’s it!!” All I heard from the other side of the bed,  in the dark, was a small voice that finally said “Okay”.

Is that how I wanted us to make the huge decision to have a baby? Not really. Is that going to stop us now trying to have a baby?

HELL NO!

So now we are three months in to trying to add to our family and already I’m frustrated. I’m not the most patient person, but I guess I’m going to have to learn to be. But secretly, I’m hoping I don’t have to practice this patience for very long – it’s really not a fun game.

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