On Monday one of my close family members was killed in a car accident. My whole family is devastated by this loss. I’m too raw to write about it at this time, except to say that I miss them so much already and keep wishing I could go back in time and change this.
Tomorrow we find out once and for all if we’ve lost this little baby of ours. I honestly don’t know how I am going to cope with more loss, I’m teetering on the edge as it is.
If there is a God, which at this particular point in time I’m really starting to wonder about, please, please don’t let me lose this baby.
I’m into day three of waiting for the next blood test that will either confirm a miscarriage or prolong the agony. I’ve managed to keep myself busy with a few things here or there, mundane things that take my mind off the pain for a couple of hours at a time. I can’t bring myself to go back to work though. Everyone at work knows what is going on – amazing how crappy news can spread like wildfire in an office isn’t it – and I just can’t face the questions or the pitying looks from people. So I’ve taken a days leave to stay home and finish off some studies. But I can’t concentrate on it. Every time I sit down and try to write my assignment I just start thinking and the thinking leads to crying.
I never knew I could cry this much.
We hadn’t told people we were expecting, except for a couple of really close friends. What I’m truly finding the hardest to deal with right now is those friends who say, that okay, you’ve probably lost this baby. But the good thing to come out of it is that you know you can get pregnant, that it happened so quickly for us, and you know you can do it again.
I just want to scream at them all, that I don’t want to get pregnant again, I want to hold THIS baby in my arms. I know they don’t say it to be unkind, and that they think they’re helping me and giving me good advice, but every time I hear it, I just crumple a little more inside.
I just wish this was all over now.