Thursday night we went back to the doctor after having my bHCG levels tested again that morning. I went in with The Man and I think we were both expecting (and maybe I was secretly hoping…) that we would be told my levels were finally dropping and that this whole saga would soon be over and we could move on to the next chapter in having a baby. Not to make light of this, because it is anything but. But my heart and body can’t take much more of the to-ing and fro-ing.
So in we went, we both know the route through the surgery to the docs office by heart now, we have been down it so many times in the last three weeks. We sat down with Dr Sweet&Calm, waiting for her to say that yes, the levels have gone down and the ultrasound was correct. Is that what she said though? Of course not.
So, your levels have gone up she says to me, with her sweet and calm voice and that sympathetic half smile on her face. They haven’t doubled, but they are still rising, so at this stage, we can’t say that you’ve had or are experiencing a miscarriage. In all honesty, we don’t really know what your body is doing, she says to us.
For what felt like five minutes (but in reality was probably only about 30 seconds) I just stared at her. I didn’t cry. I didn’t smile. I didn’t do anything except stare at her.
This nightmare still wasn’t over. Don’t get me wrong, I really don’t want to lose our baby, I want to be able to give birth to her/him and hold them in my arms and watch this baby grow into a child and adult. But I believe in my heart that this pregnancy is over, but my body just keeps throwing these curve balls at us.
Our ultrasound showed nothing in my uterus. Does that mean that it wasn’t there, that it was too early or what? I needed the closure of lowering bHCG levels last Thursday to back up the empty uterus. To make my head and heart and body all catch up to each other and realise that our baby is gone. To wipe out the hope that was still lingering, that maybe I could be one of those miracle cases. But with the rising bHCG levels it’s just put me back and we still don’t really know what’s going on.
We had opted to delay having more blood tests or ultrasounds as we had to travel for the funeral this week, but after the Easter long weekend and having more substantial bleeding with some clots and cramping, we are having yet more bloods today, and hopefully this time we will have a definite answer as to what is going on. I honestly don’t know how much more of this lingering I can cope with.