Dear baby M

Dear baby M,

A week ago we buried your uncle and while everyone was saying a prayer for him, I was secretly praying for you. I knew by then that we had lost you and that I was never going to meet you. I was grieving for your uncle and for you both at the same time.  I’m honestly not sure if most of my tears were for your uncle or if they were for you. I think they were for you.

I’m so sad to know that I will never get to meet you. That I will never get to hold you and watch you as you turn from a baby to a chubby toddler (because I know, any child of mine would be chubby), to a child going to school for their first day, to see you with your first love, to get married, to having babies of your own. To know that your life was over before it ever even began. It makes me so very sad that it was my fault that you didn’t get to be born, that my body just couldn’t hold you properly. I’m so sorry for that.

And even though you never got to be born, I want you to know that I love you so very much and you will always be in a special spot in my heart forever, that even if your daddy and I have more children, you will always be my first baby and always in my heart. I love you and I miss you and I’m sorry.

Love from your mummy.

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And so it ends

So my first experience with pregnancy ends in a miscarriage. How fucked up is my body? It just can’t do anything right!

Blood tests yesterday confirmed that my bHCG levels are still going up. Ultrasound revealed that there is absolutely nothing in my uterus. No baby, no heartbeat, not even a sac. The ultrasound also couldn’t find a sac anywhere else in the region, but because they can’t find it in my uterus they are classing me as ectopic. I don’t really care what they are classing it as. The end result is the same. I lost our baby.

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Still not sure what’s going on

Thursday night we went back to the doctor after having my bHCG levels tested again that morning. I went in with The Man and I think we were both expecting (and maybe I was secretly hoping…) that we would be told my levels were finally dropping and that this whole saga would soon be over and we could move on to the next chapter in having a baby. Not to make light of this, because it is anything but. But my heart and body can’t take much more of the to-ing and fro-ing.

So in we went, we both know the route through the surgery to the docs office by heart now, we have been down it so many times in the last three weeks. We sat down with Dr Sweet&Calm, waiting for her to say that yes, the levels have gone down and the ultrasound was correct. Is that what she said though? Of course not.

So, your levels have gone up she says to me, with her sweet and calm voice and that sympathetic half smile on her face. They haven’t doubled, but they are still rising, so at this stage, we can’t say that you’ve had or are experiencing a miscarriage. In all honesty, we don’t really know what your body is doing, she says to us.

For what felt like five minutes (but in reality was probably only about 30 seconds) I just stared at her. I didn’t cry. I didn’t smile. I didn’t do anything except stare at her.

This nightmare still wasn’t over. Don’t get me wrong, I really don’t want to lose our baby, I want to be able to give birth to her/him and hold them in my arms and watch this baby grow into a child and adult. But I believe in my heart that this pregnancy is over, but my body just keeps throwing these curve balls at us.

Our ultrasound showed nothing in my uterus. Does that mean that it wasn’t there, that it was too early or what? I needed the closure of lowering bHCG levels last Thursday to back up the empty uterus. To make my head and heart and body all catch up to each other and realise that our baby is gone. To wipe out the hope that was still lingering, that maybe I could be one of those miracle cases. But with the rising bHCG levels it’s just put me back and we still don’t really know what’s going on.

We had opted to delay having more blood tests or ultrasounds as we had to travel for the funeral this week, but after the Easter long weekend and having more substantial bleeding with some clots and cramping, we are having yet more bloods today, and hopefully this time we will have a definite answer as to what is going on. I honestly don’t know how much more of this lingering I can cope with.

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